This will require the use of sandpaper to rough up the rubber grips and steel wool to scrape the rust residue off the shafts. Those leather golf gloves have gotten downright crusty after the layoff, too.
Might Lorena Ochoa go from first lady of golf to first lady of her home country? (AP) But if Tiger Woods can return from a 144-day layoff and make some noise at the Masters, theres no reason Knockdown Shots, after a comparably lengthy, mysterious exile, cant likewise be revived and reincarnated.
No Buddhism is required, no platelets have been injected into this story, no Canadian quacks were indicted and no doors were slammed in the face of Highway Patrol troopers.
In other words, theres no real excuse for the slacking off. Nobody has been in hiding, doling out hush money, ducking paparazzi or busy comparing themselves to Ben Hogan, whose lone addiction was to packs of Chesterfield cigarettes, not packs of chesty bimbettes. No trees or fire hydrants were maimed in the making of this column.
Going forward, I promise to wear a rubber band around my wrist to remind me that my personal roots lie in writing smarmy smackdowns that seem to salve the souls of at least a few readers.
Its been s at our intended target, there are bound to be some sprays and strays. But then, that explains the twisted appeal of the punchy Knockdown Shots, not to mention their original intent.
When its this windy, swing hard and aim low.
News item: In a surprising and potentially crippling blow to the LPGA fortunes, star player Lorena Ochoa will announce the details of her withdrawal from the game on Friday in Mexico City at age 28.
Knockdown shot: The figurative new world No. 1 is South Koreas little-known Jiyai Shin, who has all of three LPGA wins in her career. In fact, if you throw out the U.S. victory totals of fading Hall of Famer Karrie Webb, the eight players situated behind Ochoa in the womens world top 10 have a combined total of 33 career wins. Ochoa has 27. An astounding six of the 10 players have four LPGA wins or fewer. Thats not just a lack of marquee electricity, its a complete power outage.
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News item: Returning from nearly five months off from professional play, world No. 1 Tiger Woods draws scathing criticism at the Maste after claiming he would clean up his deportment on the course.
Knockdown shot: Hey, the guy gave up circus-acrobat sex already. You expect him to stop cussing overnight, too?
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News item: In a laugh-out-loud moment following his feel-good win at the Masters, a beaming Phil Mickelson is photographed at the drive-through window of an Augusta donut shop the following morning, his kids in the car, loading up on three dozen Krispy Kremes while adorned in his green jacket and Masters-logoed lid.
Knockdown shot: Remember how Lefty told us after winning that one of his daughters fractured an arm while roller-skating and had to be fitted for a splint late Saturday night? Maybe it was just a cover story. Maybe she broke it while reaching for that last maple bar.
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News item: Veteran Brian Davis is rightly celebrated for calling a penalty on himself in a sudden-death playoff at Hilton Head, essentially sealing a victory for Jim Furyk. Davis search for his first U.S. victory continues.
Knockdown shot: Dont feel too badly for Davis, who finally played well after completely losing his putting stroke earlier in the year. How bad was it? Last month at Bay Hill, a Knockdown Shots operative spied Davis on the practice green getting putting tips from his wife, Julie. In the decidedly macho sports culture of today, thats almost as bad as dressing like Ian Poulter.
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News item: A volcanic eruption in Iceland disrupts travel plans all over Europe, even raining down ash in the ancestral home of golf, Scotland.
Knockdown shot: Most of the fallout was taking place in the northern part of Scotland, not in the area where the British Open will be held this summer in St. Andrews. Besides, the Scottish golf fans are used to unpredictable, volcanic emissions, having followed Monty for all these years.
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News item: The betting website Bodog.com posts a gambling line on the future of Woods marriage, said to be destined for divorce, according to magazine.
Knockdown shot: You can log bets on the financial size of the divorce settlement, whether Elin will root for the Europeans at the Ryder Cup and whether her next husband will be a professional musician (like, Richie Sambora or Tommy Lee?). I think theres even an over-under bet on how long it will take Woods to get over-under his next girlfriend.
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News item: In a stunning reversal of one of his most annoying habits, Woods commits eight days early to play in the Quail Hollow Championship, to be held next week in Charlotte. Woods on Wednesday also committed early to playing in the Players Championship May 6-9.
Knockdown shot: Gee, Tiger, did that hurt? By giving tournaments a modest week of lead time, it allows officials to more properly market the event and prepare for his arrival. It also gave former porn star Joslyn James time to cement a booking at a local strip club, where she will be appearing while Woods is playing. Were not suggesting that James is capitalizing on Woods predicament, but Charlottes Downtown Cabaret is swapping out its chrome runway pole for a double-X graphite shaft.
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News item: Network ratings data indicates that the demographic of Masters viewers skewed older than last year, with an average age of nearly 58 years, causing some to wonder why the broadcast didnt attract the anticipated younger audience interested in the salacious details of the Woods scandal. In fact, the younger age demos actually dropped compared to last year.
Knockdown shot: The problem was, the ratings analysis not only didnt explain why the younger viewers tuned out, it didnt solve the question of why more older viewers elected to watch. Based on feedback received at CBSSports.com, older and more conservative readers seemed the most upset by the Woods revelations, which leaves us with one conclusion: They must have tuned in to root him.
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News item: World No. 23 Sergio Garcia switched from an overlap grip to the interlock in an experiment last week at Hilton Head but still missed the cut.
Knockdown shot: This guy was ranked No. 2 in the world entering the 2009 season, or a mere 15 months ago, and his best finish since then is fourth. At this point, he maybe ought to go back to that endlessly fidgety, nervous and annoying grip he was using at Bethpage Black a few years ago, when he almost won a U.S. Open. At age 30 and diving in the rankings, people are starting to wonder whether his grip is all hes lost.
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News item: One week after shooing 80-76 at the Masters to miss the cut, Furyk wins the Hilton Head event for this third victory in a world-rankings eligible event since December.
Knockdown shot: His 36-hole total at the Masters, relative to par, was his worst as a tour player since he shot 73-80 at the 2002 U.S. Open. By the way, he won the U.S. Open the following year. Fittingly, Furyk missed the cut at Hilton Head in 2009, proving that anybody who bets on a golf tournament doesnt know much about cents and sensibility.
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News item: Amputee Ken Green returns to the Champions Tour this week in a team event in Savannah, his first tournament since losing a leg in a horrific car accident last year that claimed the lives of his brother and girlfriend. Worse, Greens son died while attending college earlier this year.
Knockdown shot: If you thought karma owed Phil Mickelson a green jacket, then Green has an entire wardrobe coming. Nobody other than Woods has suffered through a worse year, with the difference being Woods brought it on himself.
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News item: The PGA Tour Wives Association, which is involved in several charitable and laudable projects, has announced an ambitious new program to help curb illiteracy.
Knock getting Anthony Kim to read, for the first time, a book that doesnt have pictures or a drawing of a cartoon superhero.
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News item: In a move that tournament director Craig Smith first began considering last year, the Texas Open will provide pickup trucks to players in lieu of courtesy cars when the event is staged next month in San Antonio.
Knockdown shot: Its an attempt to add a uniquely Tejas touch, like gun racks or whizzing on the Alamo. In a recent NTSB study, black boxes were installed in pickups trucks and it was learned that in 49 states, the final words uttered before a majority of traffic accidents were, “Oh, god, no.” In 90 percent of Texas truck crashes, however, the last words recorded were, “Hey, hold my beer and watch this.”
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News item: Tournament director of the Wegmans LPGA event says that Ochoas husband, AeroMexico CEO Andres Conesa, has his sights set on public office. “Her husband has national leadership aspirations and apparently shares her passion for wanting to improve life for everyone in their country,” Wegmans tournament director Linda Hampton told the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle.
Knockdown shot: Wow, can you envision the classy and conscientious Ochoa as first lady of Mexico? I surely can. Now that would be a game-changing position worth leaving her perch as world No. 1, wouldnt it?